Mood:  down

Hi. I'm a bit down today. I going crazy with trying to put up with my dad always trying to be with me..I just want him to get out of my life. He have let me down so many times. He says that he loves me and that he cares, but, how can you love somone that you don't know anything about? If he says that he loves me, I don't know if i'll be able to tell him the same. I don't want to lie. And that stupid letter he sent me. I can't believe it. He says that he's sorry and he keeps explaining why he couldn't make it to my rock-konsert, but he doesn't understand that it's not just the fact that he chose his wife, instead of me, it's, everything. Everything that he has done wrong. He wrote in the letter that he can look back at a bad choice and see that he has done so many good choices. But I think he is sadly mistaking. It should be that when he looks back at one good choice he can see that he has done so many bad ones. Omg, I'm about to cry any moment now. I wish that he knew how I felt, how my heart is thorn apart, shattered in pieces. Every mistake he do, feels like if he had stabbed me in the back with a knife. Nobody understands how I feel. Not even my mom. She says that she understand, but she really don't. She can't understand how much it hurts when he choose to be with his wife instead of me. How much I cry, when he chose to stay home with his wife and have a fancy dinner instead of being with me, on the rock-konsert, that I was so excited about. How my nightmares end up with me writing a letter to my family saying that i'm sorry for taking my own life. I dream about killing myself because I can't deal with this sick, twisted, painful reality. I'm seriously loosing my faith of being able to laugh when he always lets me down. There is a void inside of me and it feels so empty. Right now I'm trying not to cry. But it's hard. It feels like it's bullets thats trying to push iyt's way out, instead of tears. Bu, my point is that, my dad will never be able to change, and no one will ever be able to understand what i'm going trough. I can hardly breath right now because I remember all the times when I cried because of my dad. Like all the times when he wasn't there for me. When I needed him the most. In the most obvious moments, the most precious moments that you have when you're in my age. It's evrything form the small things that he says to the big things that he does. I just don't wanna live with him in my life. I'd like to pretend that he doesn't exist, that I've never, ever heard his name be spoken. I just want his whole existence to be erased. I know that it sounds harsh, but after all that i've been trough, I think that I deserve to be happy. And when he's in my life, I can't be happy. //Linney